Whom Have I Become (Part 2)

    My family friends consisted of drug dealers, strong-arm men, and relatives. My favorite of all was Rick(Rick being a fake name in the event he’s still alive). He was a monster of a human being. About 6 foot tall and 240 pounds of steroids and anger. His presence always captured my attention. He was known as the bad boy, a fighter, a rebel. He never lost a fight and for that I idolized him. Rick was the muscles for a group I would never know. I put him in the same category as famous sports stars of the day. I was still extremely young and very impressionable.

    One day, he came over for his weekly visit. After getting tuned up on cocaine (his favorite pastime along with womanizing)he wanted to take me for a ride much to my excitement! His new bike was a Kawaski Ninja, the newest and fastest  at the time. He put me on the back and proceeded to take me up the street while popping a wheelie the entire time. There happened to be a moving truck with the ramp down up the street. Faster than I could blink, we were in the back of that truck. It was the most thrilling experience of my life! My mother had a fit about the ride and it ended shortly thereafter.

    Later on that day, after many beers and much “snow” as they called it, my father, Rick, and I left the house. We were passing by the sandpits heading out to shoot. I grew up with guns as a way of life. At the age of five, I had a complete gunrack in my room. We shot “twenty-twos”and shotguns on a weekly basis. However, today would be different.

    My father was driving when Rick noticed a man by the “tracks” who he needed to talk to. Rick and my father parked the car, told me to wait, and approached the man. I sat and watched stone faced as Rick kicked him over and over again while he was on the ground. I remember at the time thinking “wow he must have done something really bad!” This being my second memory of childhood as I was still only five.

    I continued to watch as my father tried pulling Rick, filled with hate and rage, off the man. Suddenly, the man became still and didn’t struggle anymore. They ran to the car and we took off burning tires in the process. I asked Rick what had happened. He explained to me that”he was a man who didn’t pay his debts son”. I couldn’t help but notice the blood all over his face and clothes. My father had the look of fear that I had never seen before. I wanted to ask questions but everyone was quiet. Not a word was spoken the entire ride home.

    I never saw Rick again after that day. My hero disappeared overnight. I was told that he had moved away.

    A day had passed since the incident and I came home to my father pacing around the house with that same look as before. I overheard him talking about the newspaper and Rick. My curiousity led me to ask questions. I couldn’t get that man and all the blood out of my mind. I knew something just wasn’t right.

    Later in life, I learned that this man, on that night, never lived another day.  I watched him get beat to death in front of my eyes. To date, I don’t know his name, what he did, or why he was there at that moment. What I do know is I would never again see Rick, the toughest man I’ve ever known.


4 thoughts on “Whom Have I Become (Part 2)

  1. Remember this…out of the darkest suffering is borne the ability to see the brightest of lights if we so choose. Although we cannot choose our parentage or how and where we are raised, we choose to become something better. Your poetry is an example of beauty borne from darkness and I pray your soul is lighter these days. It is not easy to see light in a world saturated in darkness, especially when we have been exposed to it from birth but you have the ability. It is very apparent in your work. Just don’t stop believing something can be better than you can be better than you were only yesterday. Pain and suffering are constant bedfellows of we who have been broken as children, for we are constantly trying to mend wounds made so long ago while new ones are being made atop them. Old wounds become scars and those scars are stronger than the original skin so we can build a foundation on what was once broken but has now become stronger because of our current choices. Just don’t give up, keep creating, keep believing and then they lose.

    1. Perfect words in perfect place. Thank you for your kind thoughts. They say in order to truly reach your potential you must be dragged to the bottom and have the strength to reach for the top. Destiny has its hold on me! But I have the will to change that destiny! Thank you again, you are an imspiration and it was very much appreciated!

  2. Dear Sir,

    I am honored you find my words inspirational. There are times when I think that I should book a vacation in Hell to get a break from what is going in my life and body. There is no doubt that each step we take forward requires a tremendous amount of courage and fortitude. You obviously possess these qualities, for you are creating beauty and inspiration to others. Just don’t stop. You are not alone, I promise you that. We, the broken survivors of our circumstances, are here struggling, surviving and trying to thrive in the face of constant hardships, setbacks, pain, heartache, etc. There are millions of reasons to stay in bed and cover your head hoping the world will go away but you need only one good reason to take the next step out of darkness and that much closer to the light. Trust me when I say, these are not empty words but those borne of experience with intense pain and suffering. People, such as we, have an extra dose of will to survive, to thrive, to succeed in being the polar opposite of our early beginnings. Your recent poem is very good but speaks of pain within the soul. I have been there many a time and nearly succeeded in fulfilling that wish of oblivion but then decided the people who hurt me in childhood, and everyone since will not have that power over me. I will succeed by helping others traverse the most difficult hurdles in their lives if I can. You have enormous strength, fortitude, and perseverance and I know how very empty we can feel when those abilities have been overtaxed. Sometimes, it takes all my energy and will power to push and pull air in and out of my lungs let alone fight another battle. You, my friend, are a great inspiration to so many. Please, keep writing. Keep taking that next step because soon you will find yourself surrounded by light with only patches of darkness here and there. It took me a long time to reach this point and much suffering and even though my physical condition will only get worse bringing with it more pain, disability, and dependence on others, its okay because now I see my life, my walk, and may faith was meant to help others overcome their struggles. That is my purpose and I intend to fulfill it as best I can with whatever time I have left upon this globe. Just take the next step and then take the one after that! I am a woman of Faith so you will have my prayers as you gird yourself for the battle you now find yourself in.


    1. Tina- Your words of hope are very much shared. It means a great deal to hear your strength and ability to overcome. I appreciate you having me in your prayers and will continue to push these obstacles that are upon me. May you find the glory of this life that is so fragile! Thank you again for your support. Wishing you well 🙂

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